"Life Happens. It sucks, but it happens."
I feel like this is my excuse for everything: I was going to go to the Texas Tech baseball game, but life happened and I had to do other things. I was going to call you, but life happened. I've been studying, but couldn't study enough because -- wait for it -- life happened.
Especially since 2014 started.
In my defense, life really threw some curve balls, but as I was sitting at the Tech baseball games this weekend I started thinking.
I love these games. Why have I not been to more of them? Oh, wait. I know. Life happened.
I only have one complete baseball season left before I graduate. Shit. That's three semesters until graduation. What have I been doing? I have no idea what to do with my life.
I love these games. I feel at home here, not as much as home as I do on a balance beam competing -- but it's a close second. Where have I been? Oh. Life happened.
I'm so tired of saying life happened. I'm so tired of the excuses. I want to live my life and do things because I want to no matter what else I have going on. I want to be happy because life happens and it sucks, but what makes it worth it are the little things that make you smile because that's life, too.
So often, I think the only things on our minds -- especially mine -- is the negativity, the planning, the protection, the strings, the pain. But, life doesn't have to suck. It doesn't have to be negative.
I want to be happy. I want to open my heart to everything. It's a journey, but it's worth it. Dwelling on the crap doesn't make the problems go away. In all reality, dwelling makes it worse, so much so that it can consume you. That's not living, and life was meant to be lived completely.
I want to live. I want to experience everything life has to offer: travel, true love, lifelong friends. The problem is I can't enjoy any of those things if I'm not happy with my choices, with myself. I can't enjoy them if I stress myself out. I can't enjoy them if I'm not my caring, independent, rebellious, intelligent, gypsylike self.
Happiness attracts positive things.
I need to be me. I need to laugh. I need to have fun. I need to achieve my dreams. So that means more baseball games, more writing, more reading, more art. Maybe, I'll finally learn how to play my guitar -- anyone out there willing to teach me?
I need to be happy because life happens, and it sucks, but the sucky parts don't rule my life. They don't control me. I control myself and my actions. I control my response.
But life happens.
It's the good, the bad, the ugly, the curves, the lessons, the experiences, the people.
Life happens.
So I breathe in and out, go to yoga, to church, exercise, coach, write, attend classes, attend baseball games, and I'm happy because even though life can suck, I'm alive to fight another day for myself, my family, my independence, my dreams, and I wouldn't have it any other way because as long as there is fight, there is hope. And, in the end, I know everything will be OK because the curve balls suck, but I won't give up.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Fearless Inspiration
The other night, I was watching one of my favorite movies of all time: A
Cinderella Story. You know the one with Hilary Duff and smoking hot Chad
Michael Murray. The one with the theme: "Never let the fear of striking
out keep you from playing the game." As a kid, this quote spoke to me in
everything I did, but even now, it carries a special place in my heart. It
inspires me to greatness, and I hear the words echo in my head every day.
As I was watching, I realized yet again why I liked the movie so much. Not only did Cinderella find her Prince Charming, but she also exerted her independence and stood up for what she believed in, while learning to believe in herself. Not once did she ever just wait around for a guy to fall into her life. She lived her life regardless of who loved her, or tore her down. This movie showed me I could have the guy and my independence, but that in the process, I couldn't be afraid to let myself feel or risk getting hurt. It also showed me how OK it is to be on my own.
The independence, stick to my guns thing, has always been easier, and when I did struggle, I worked through it until I was confident in myself again. But, the letting myself feel, the living and enjoying the moment, the putting myself out there thing - I struggle with that. There's a struggle bus out there just for me, feelings and trust. I can't even begin to understand why the moment I begin to get attached to something or someone, I run in the opposite direction. What I can say, though, is that when I do run it's because I am afraid. I am afraid of getting hurt, I am afraid of betrayal, I am afraid of the judgment that could quite possibly be occurring, I am afraid of failing the others involved, I am afraid of rejection. I don't want to fail, so I don't want to put myself in the position where I am at risk of failing or getting hurt because I’ve been hurt, and it sucks, and I don't want to go there again.
But, the fear of getting hurt doesn't stop me from wanting the fairy tale romance, the sweep me off my feet, slay my dragons, protect me kind of thing. Yes, the strong, independent woman wants to be rescued, but can't because she won't put herself out there enough to even have that chance. I have to learn to risk a lot and be the best I can be to attract the best people for me. And even then, I want someone who will support my dreams. I don't want to wait around. Hell, I won't wait around and every time I contemplate waiting, Sam's locker room monologue plays in my head: " I know that guy that sent those emails is somewhere inside of you, but I can't wait for him... because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing." Austin eventually came to his senses and pursued and caught her. I'm still waiting to be caught, and I respect myself enough not to settle for anything less than who I think I deserve. And let's face it: No pursuit, no "I will fight for you attitude," and you're not deserved. In a world where you are surrounded with pressure to marry and have kids ASAP, setting my standards high: That's fearless.
The past year of school has taken me out of my comfort zone in so many different ways: Speaking up in class, approaching people I don't know to get interviews, talking on the phone, moving and surviving alone because my family is spread out across the country. It has taught me that I need to learn to put myself out there because that is the only way I can really achieve the greatness I so wish to achieve. In my work and school life, just like Sam standing up to her step mom in the diner, I have learned how to speak up: It's hard, but I do it, and that's fearless.
My next goal is moving all the lessons I learned to take on new dimensions in my personal life. I'm not saying I am going to be an open book, I'm mean let's be honest, we all know a little mystery is sexy, but I am saying I want to learn to put my heart on the line. I want to be able to enter into a relationship with a man fully, even though I am afraid he will end up hurting me, which he probably will - since, after all - he is human. I want to be able to distinguish between the hurt that should make you turn around and walk through the door with no return, and the one that shows a kind of beautiful, human love.
Yes I'm scared, but no, I will not let that fear stop me from doing what I want to do. It's time to stop playing it safe. It's time to take action no matter how scared I am. I want to take my "I'm going for this attitude," I use with school and work and use it in my personal life.
To me, taking risks is fearless, being scared but doing something anyway is fearless, attempting things outside my comfort zone is fearless, and what I hope is that the farther I progress in college, the more fearless decisions I will make, and with that the greatness I aspire to have will come. And yes, I got all this from a movie I have watched religiously since it appeared in theaters ages ago.
I will continue to watch the movie, and I hope to continue to gain a kind of fearless inspiration from it. After all, it's gotten me this far.
Always and forever I'll be fearlessly yours.
-Emily
As I was watching, I realized yet again why I liked the movie so much. Not only did Cinderella find her Prince Charming, but she also exerted her independence and stood up for what she believed in, while learning to believe in herself. Not once did she ever just wait around for a guy to fall into her life. She lived her life regardless of who loved her, or tore her down. This movie showed me I could have the guy and my independence, but that in the process, I couldn't be afraid to let myself feel or risk getting hurt. It also showed me how OK it is to be on my own.
The independence, stick to my guns thing, has always been easier, and when I did struggle, I worked through it until I was confident in myself again. But, the letting myself feel, the living and enjoying the moment, the putting myself out there thing - I struggle with that. There's a struggle bus out there just for me, feelings and trust. I can't even begin to understand why the moment I begin to get attached to something or someone, I run in the opposite direction. What I can say, though, is that when I do run it's because I am afraid. I am afraid of getting hurt, I am afraid of betrayal, I am afraid of the judgment that could quite possibly be occurring, I am afraid of failing the others involved, I am afraid of rejection. I don't want to fail, so I don't want to put myself in the position where I am at risk of failing or getting hurt because I’ve been hurt, and it sucks, and I don't want to go there again.
But, the fear of getting hurt doesn't stop me from wanting the fairy tale romance, the sweep me off my feet, slay my dragons, protect me kind of thing. Yes, the strong, independent woman wants to be rescued, but can't because she won't put herself out there enough to even have that chance. I have to learn to risk a lot and be the best I can be to attract the best people for me. And even then, I want someone who will support my dreams. I don't want to wait around. Hell, I won't wait around and every time I contemplate waiting, Sam's locker room monologue plays in my head: " I know that guy that sent those emails is somewhere inside of you, but I can't wait for him... because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing." Austin eventually came to his senses and pursued and caught her. I'm still waiting to be caught, and I respect myself enough not to settle for anything less than who I think I deserve. And let's face it: No pursuit, no "I will fight for you attitude," and you're not deserved. In a world where you are surrounded with pressure to marry and have kids ASAP, setting my standards high: That's fearless.
The past year of school has taken me out of my comfort zone in so many different ways: Speaking up in class, approaching people I don't know to get interviews, talking on the phone, moving and surviving alone because my family is spread out across the country. It has taught me that I need to learn to put myself out there because that is the only way I can really achieve the greatness I so wish to achieve. In my work and school life, just like Sam standing up to her step mom in the diner, I have learned how to speak up: It's hard, but I do it, and that's fearless.
My next goal is moving all the lessons I learned to take on new dimensions in my personal life. I'm not saying I am going to be an open book, I'm mean let's be honest, we all know a little mystery is sexy, but I am saying I want to learn to put my heart on the line. I want to be able to enter into a relationship with a man fully, even though I am afraid he will end up hurting me, which he probably will - since, after all - he is human. I want to be able to distinguish between the hurt that should make you turn around and walk through the door with no return, and the one that shows a kind of beautiful, human love.
Yes I'm scared, but no, I will not let that fear stop me from doing what I want to do. It's time to stop playing it safe. It's time to take action no matter how scared I am. I want to take my "I'm going for this attitude," I use with school and work and use it in my personal life.
To me, taking risks is fearless, being scared but doing something anyway is fearless, attempting things outside my comfort zone is fearless, and what I hope is that the farther I progress in college, the more fearless decisions I will make, and with that the greatness I aspire to have will come. And yes, I got all this from a movie I have watched religiously since it appeared in theaters ages ago.
I will continue to watch the movie, and I hope to continue to gain a kind of fearless inspiration from it. After all, it's gotten me this far.
Always and forever I'll be fearlessly yours.
-Emily
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Fearless, and Owning the Single!
"I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find
it." - Taylor Swift.
Yes, I know I just introduced my blog with Taylor Swift, but hear me out. The song is deeper and more relatable than you may think. After all, we have all had that person we think we are going to spend the rest of our lives with and don’t. We have all had some sort of relationship end, and been lost afterward. I know I have. If we are being completely honest, I still am. Finding out who you are without someone else in your life is one of the hardest and most fearless things you can do.
However, I disagree with Swifty in the sense that I do not by any stretch of the imagination want to be my old self ever again, LIKE EVER. To me, being my old self is the equivalent of living in the past, and never getting over your ex, and it took me a very long time to realize that wasn't how I wanted to live my life. For a long time, I was nostalgic, remembering how people acted back then, and how they made me feel when I was around them. I have since come to the conclusion that there are parts of myself that I would love to keep of my past self, but also some parts (actually a very larger portion of parts) I would love to forget ever even existed. But, I can’t do that. I have to embrace my past self, and build my future self at the same time, learning from my mistakes.
When my relationship ended a year ago, I seriously thought that was the end of the world. I had been in a relationship for so long, I had no idea how to be single. I mean I hadn't been single in three years. Shortly after that, I made one of the hardest decisions I had ever made, quitting gymnastics. So around Valentine's Day last year, not only was I newly single, but also without the sport I had formed my life around for 13 years. That was the first fearless decision I made. The second came much later. To be honest, I really didn't make another decision in my personal life until this year when I decided I was going to work on being happy as my lovely, single self. Instead of focusing on finding a boyfriend, I decided it was time for me to focus on bettering myself. I know it’s cliché, but to attract the guy I want to attract, I need to be happy with all aspects of myself.
I truly believe part of being fearless is owning being single, and being happy about it. For the first time in a very, very long time, I am actually happy being that way. I am lighter, and more confident in myself, which if you ask anyone that knows me is quite an accomplishment. I have spent the last year of my life trying to repair a broken heart, and trying to build back my self-confidence (both of which I am still trying to accomplish.) My former relationship really put me through the ringer, and not really anyone knows exactly how much. I mean even I seem to have new revelations about it daily. If we are being real, it took me a year along with being single every holiday to even begin to realize I had thick enough skin to survive on my own.
It was fearless of me to admit my faults to myself, and realize I wasn’t blameless in the demise of my relationship. It was fearless of me to try and improve myself for the next relationship. It was fearless of me to try to put myself out there again, and fearless of me to realize that wasn’t really the kind of guy I wanted to be dating. It was fearless of me to recognize there is a life outside of being in a relationship. It’s fearless of me to be happy being single, especially this close to Valentines. It also is fearless of me to realize it is OK to be single because God has a plan, and my happy ever after with prince charming is coming at some later date.
I am not looking for a relationship anymore, but who’s to say I won’t find one, especially since baseball season is quickly approaching ;-) The most important thing is that I am happy being me, and am building my future self in all the images I want to portray. That’s what matters. After all, you can’t be fearless if you aren’t happy with yourself first.
Fearlessly Yours!
-E
Yes, I know I just introduced my blog with Taylor Swift, but hear me out. The song is deeper and more relatable than you may think. After all, we have all had that person we think we are going to spend the rest of our lives with and don’t. We have all had some sort of relationship end, and been lost afterward. I know I have. If we are being completely honest, I still am. Finding out who you are without someone else in your life is one of the hardest and most fearless things you can do.
However, I disagree with Swifty in the sense that I do not by any stretch of the imagination want to be my old self ever again, LIKE EVER. To me, being my old self is the equivalent of living in the past, and never getting over your ex, and it took me a very long time to realize that wasn't how I wanted to live my life. For a long time, I was nostalgic, remembering how people acted back then, and how they made me feel when I was around them. I have since come to the conclusion that there are parts of myself that I would love to keep of my past self, but also some parts (actually a very larger portion of parts) I would love to forget ever even existed. But, I can’t do that. I have to embrace my past self, and build my future self at the same time, learning from my mistakes.
When my relationship ended a year ago, I seriously thought that was the end of the world. I had been in a relationship for so long, I had no idea how to be single. I mean I hadn't been single in three years. Shortly after that, I made one of the hardest decisions I had ever made, quitting gymnastics. So around Valentine's Day last year, not only was I newly single, but also without the sport I had formed my life around for 13 years. That was the first fearless decision I made. The second came much later. To be honest, I really didn't make another decision in my personal life until this year when I decided I was going to work on being happy as my lovely, single self. Instead of focusing on finding a boyfriend, I decided it was time for me to focus on bettering myself. I know it’s cliché, but to attract the guy I want to attract, I need to be happy with all aspects of myself.
I truly believe part of being fearless is owning being single, and being happy about it. For the first time in a very, very long time, I am actually happy being that way. I am lighter, and more confident in myself, which if you ask anyone that knows me is quite an accomplishment. I have spent the last year of my life trying to repair a broken heart, and trying to build back my self-confidence (both of which I am still trying to accomplish.) My former relationship really put me through the ringer, and not really anyone knows exactly how much. I mean even I seem to have new revelations about it daily. If we are being real, it took me a year along with being single every holiday to even begin to realize I had thick enough skin to survive on my own.
It was fearless of me to admit my faults to myself, and realize I wasn’t blameless in the demise of my relationship. It was fearless of me to try and improve myself for the next relationship. It was fearless of me to try to put myself out there again, and fearless of me to realize that wasn’t really the kind of guy I wanted to be dating. It was fearless of me to recognize there is a life outside of being in a relationship. It’s fearless of me to be happy being single, especially this close to Valentines. It also is fearless of me to realize it is OK to be single because God has a plan, and my happy ever after with prince charming is coming at some later date.
I am not looking for a relationship anymore, but who’s to say I won’t find one, especially since baseball season is quickly approaching ;-) The most important thing is that I am happy being me, and am building my future self in all the images I want to portray. That’s what matters. After all, you can’t be fearless if you aren’t happy with yourself first.
Fearlessly Yours!
-E
Monday, January 7, 2013
2013: The year of the fearless (or at least learning to)
Whenever I think of fear, I think of being scared and afraid to try
something new. I think of having the opportunity to step outside my comfort
zone, and not taking that opportunity. I think of taking the easy way out,
not because I wasn't capable of performing the task, but instead I was not wanting to
fail.
I cannot tell you all how many times I have let fear stop me. I let fear stop me from ending a relationship. I let fear stop me from putting myself out there, and telling someone how I really felt. When I was a gymnast, I let fear stop me from trying skills I really wanted to perform. There have been many times I have second guessed myself and chosen not to speak up when I knew the information, or had a valid point. This year, 2013, I have decided to be different. I have decided to go after things that are important to me, things that challenge me. I have decided not to second guess myself. I have decided to be confident, and believe in myself, but most importantly, I have decided to learn how to be fearless.
This blog is meant to follow me on my journey where I am learning how to be fearless, and in the process, hopefully discovering who I am, and determining who and what I want to become.
I believe that being fearless is doing what you want even if you are afraid. It is being able to stand up for what you believe in even if you are standing alone. It is speaking out if you disagree with a situation and how it is being handled. Being fearless is having the courage to stick to your guns, and not change who you are to fit in. It is standing out, falling in love, being single. It is starting over after a break up, or a missed opportunity you were really counting on. If you are fearless, you are stepping out of your comfort zone, challenging your beliefs and actions, as well as the beliefs and actions of those around you. Life is going to throw obstacles your way no matter what you do. Being fearless is dealing with those obstacles with grace and maturity. Fearless is when Blair Waldorf says she is not a stop along the way, but a destination, and does everything in her power to make that happen (even if I don't agree with some of her methods of getting there.) It is going after your dreams, listening to your heart, going after all the things we are way too scared to ever think we will make possible.
My goal is not to succumb to my fears when at all possible. Now, I know that I will succumb to my fears, and I know I will make mistakes. After all, I am only human. I won't become fearless overnight. Who's to say I will ever really become completely fearless? To be honest, I probably won't. But, that's not the point. The point is that fearlessness is a learning process just like life is. As long as I keep learning, keep growing, I will be presented with the opportunity to learn to conquer my fears.
When someone looks at my life in the future, my goal is to make them stop and say "Hey! This girl really made a difference. I'll bet she didn't get to where she was by chickening out! I want to be like her." I want to inspire people, and that is what this blog, I hope, will do. I hope people will learn from my mistakes, and I hope people will learn to be fearless right there with me. It is going to take time. It will be a process. There will be failures along the way, but that is the way life is supposed to be lived. Taking risks, and not playing it safe, really trying to make a difference in the world. That is my challenge. This is my journey. I hope you will take this journey with me.
Fearlessly yours!
-Emily
I cannot tell you all how many times I have let fear stop me. I let fear stop me from ending a relationship. I let fear stop me from putting myself out there, and telling someone how I really felt. When I was a gymnast, I let fear stop me from trying skills I really wanted to perform. There have been many times I have second guessed myself and chosen not to speak up when I knew the information, or had a valid point. This year, 2013, I have decided to be different. I have decided to go after things that are important to me, things that challenge me. I have decided not to second guess myself. I have decided to be confident, and believe in myself, but most importantly, I have decided to learn how to be fearless.
This blog is meant to follow me on my journey where I am learning how to be fearless, and in the process, hopefully discovering who I am, and determining who and what I want to become.
I believe that being fearless is doing what you want even if you are afraid. It is being able to stand up for what you believe in even if you are standing alone. It is speaking out if you disagree with a situation and how it is being handled. Being fearless is having the courage to stick to your guns, and not change who you are to fit in. It is standing out, falling in love, being single. It is starting over after a break up, or a missed opportunity you were really counting on. If you are fearless, you are stepping out of your comfort zone, challenging your beliefs and actions, as well as the beliefs and actions of those around you. Life is going to throw obstacles your way no matter what you do. Being fearless is dealing with those obstacles with grace and maturity. Fearless is when Blair Waldorf says she is not a stop along the way, but a destination, and does everything in her power to make that happen (even if I don't agree with some of her methods of getting there.) It is going after your dreams, listening to your heart, going after all the things we are way too scared to ever think we will make possible.
My goal is not to succumb to my fears when at all possible. Now, I know that I will succumb to my fears, and I know I will make mistakes. After all, I am only human. I won't become fearless overnight. Who's to say I will ever really become completely fearless? To be honest, I probably won't. But, that's not the point. The point is that fearlessness is a learning process just like life is. As long as I keep learning, keep growing, I will be presented with the opportunity to learn to conquer my fears.
When someone looks at my life in the future, my goal is to make them stop and say "Hey! This girl really made a difference. I'll bet she didn't get to where she was by chickening out! I want to be like her." I want to inspire people, and that is what this blog, I hope, will do. I hope people will learn from my mistakes, and I hope people will learn to be fearless right there with me. It is going to take time. It will be a process. There will be failures along the way, but that is the way life is supposed to be lived. Taking risks, and not playing it safe, really trying to make a difference in the world. That is my challenge. This is my journey. I hope you will take this journey with me.
Fearlessly yours!
-Emily
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