Yes, I know I just introduced my blog with Taylor Swift, but hear me out. The song is deeper and more relatable than you may think. After all, we have all had that person we think we are going to spend the rest of our lives with and don’t. We have all had some sort of relationship end, and been lost afterward. I know I have. If we are being completely honest, I still am. Finding out who you are without someone else in your life is one of the hardest and most fearless things you can do.
However, I disagree with Swifty in the sense that I do not by any stretch of the imagination want to be my old self ever again, LIKE EVER. To me, being my old self is the equivalent of living in the past, and never getting over your ex, and it took me a very long time to realize that wasn't how I wanted to live my life. For a long time, I was nostalgic, remembering how people acted back then, and how they made me feel when I was around them. I have since come to the conclusion that there are parts of myself that I would love to keep of my past self, but also some parts (actually a very larger portion of parts) I would love to forget ever even existed. But, I can’t do that. I have to embrace my past self, and build my future self at the same time, learning from my mistakes.
When my relationship ended a year ago, I seriously thought that was the end of the world. I had been in a relationship for so long, I had no idea how to be single. I mean I hadn't been single in three years. Shortly after that, I made one of the hardest decisions I had ever made, quitting gymnastics. So around Valentine's Day last year, not only was I newly single, but also without the sport I had formed my life around for 13 years. That was the first fearless decision I made. The second came much later. To be honest, I really didn't make another decision in my personal life until this year when I decided I was going to work on being happy as my lovely, single self. Instead of focusing on finding a boyfriend, I decided it was time for me to focus on bettering myself. I know it’s cliché, but to attract the guy I want to attract, I need to be happy with all aspects of myself.
I truly believe part of being fearless is owning being single, and being happy about it. For the first time in a very, very long time, I am actually happy being that way. I am lighter, and more confident in myself, which if you ask anyone that knows me is quite an accomplishment. I have spent the last year of my life trying to repair a broken heart, and trying to build back my self-confidence (both of which I am still trying to accomplish.) My former relationship really put me through the ringer, and not really anyone knows exactly how much. I mean even I seem to have new revelations about it daily. If we are being real, it took me a year along with being single every holiday to even begin to realize I had thick enough skin to survive on my own.
It was fearless of me to admit my faults to myself, and realize I wasn’t blameless in the demise of my relationship. It was fearless of me to try and improve myself for the next relationship. It was fearless of me to try to put myself out there again, and fearless of me to realize that wasn’t really the kind of guy I wanted to be dating. It was fearless of me to recognize there is a life outside of being in a relationship. It’s fearless of me to be happy being single, especially this close to Valentines. It also is fearless of me to realize it is OK to be single because God has a plan, and my happy ever after with prince charming is coming at some later date.
I am not looking for a relationship anymore, but who’s to say I won’t find one, especially since baseball season is quickly approaching ;-) The most important thing is that I am happy being me, and am building my future self in all the images I want to portray. That’s what matters. After all, you can’t be fearless if you aren’t happy with yourself first.
Fearlessly Yours!
-E
Excellent, Emily! Beautiful writing and an amazing lesson learned. A lesson many struggle with no matter what their age. So very proud of you!
ReplyDeleteEmily, You are wise beyond your years. It takes most of us much longer to know how to be single and embrace it. Keep that outward bound vision and know that the best days of your life are still to be lived.
ReplyDeleteJill M.
You amaze me, you seem to be so together for such a young woman.
ReplyDeleteLori P.
Wow, you're about 30 years ahead of me. I just assumed I would meet someone special & get married. Over the years I would often feel depressed or that there had to be something wrong with me since I couldn't attract or get along with someone to make a complete relationship. My married friends would tell me they were jealous of my freedom and I finally retorted to a close friend - "if you think it's so great then why don't you get divorced?"
ReplyDeleteI have since embraced the freedom of being single. I realized and accepted that it was God's plan. There must be a reason and I should just go with it instead of somehow considering it a punishment.
I have always done my own thing and enjoyed traveling alone but now my escapes are a spiritual renewal as well. I still think how I would love to share my travel moments with someone but know they would change if not done in solitude and with complete freedom without judgement or pressure to do something other than what I feel like doing at the moment.
Emily you sound like an amazing woman with great things in your future no matter what plans God has for you.
Cathy (Defiance is not only my alma mater but my attitude in facing life my way!)