As I was watching, I realized yet again why I liked the movie so much. Not only did Cinderella find her Prince Charming, but she also exerted her independence and stood up for what she believed in, while learning to believe in herself. Not once did she ever just wait around for a guy to fall into her life. She lived her life regardless of who loved her, or tore her down. This movie showed me I could have the guy and my independence, but that in the process, I couldn't be afraid to let myself feel or risk getting hurt. It also showed me how OK it is to be on my own.
The independence, stick to my guns thing, has always been easier, and when I did struggle, I worked through it until I was confident in myself again. But, the letting myself feel, the living and enjoying the moment, the putting myself out there thing - I struggle with that. There's a struggle bus out there just for me, feelings and trust. I can't even begin to understand why the moment I begin to get attached to something or someone, I run in the opposite direction. What I can say, though, is that when I do run it's because I am afraid. I am afraid of getting hurt, I am afraid of betrayal, I am afraid of the judgment that could quite possibly be occurring, I am afraid of failing the others involved, I am afraid of rejection. I don't want to fail, so I don't want to put myself in the position where I am at risk of failing or getting hurt because I’ve been hurt, and it sucks, and I don't want to go there again.
But, the fear of getting hurt doesn't stop me from wanting the fairy tale romance, the sweep me off my feet, slay my dragons, protect me kind of thing. Yes, the strong, independent woman wants to be rescued, but can't because she won't put herself out there enough to even have that chance. I have to learn to risk a lot and be the best I can be to attract the best people for me. And even then, I want someone who will support my dreams. I don't want to wait around. Hell, I won't wait around and every time I contemplate waiting, Sam's locker room monologue plays in my head: " I know that guy that sent those emails is somewhere inside of you, but I can't wait for him... because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing." Austin eventually came to his senses and pursued and caught her. I'm still waiting to be caught, and I respect myself enough not to settle for anything less than who I think I deserve. And let's face it: No pursuit, no "I will fight for you attitude," and you're not deserved. In a world where you are surrounded with pressure to marry and have kids ASAP, setting my standards high: That's fearless.
The past year of school has taken me out of my comfort zone in so many different ways: Speaking up in class, approaching people I don't know to get interviews, talking on the phone, moving and surviving alone because my family is spread out across the country. It has taught me that I need to learn to put myself out there because that is the only way I can really achieve the greatness I so wish to achieve. In my work and school life, just like Sam standing up to her step mom in the diner, I have learned how to speak up: It's hard, but I do it, and that's fearless.
My next goal is moving all the lessons I learned to take on new dimensions in my personal life. I'm not saying I am going to be an open book, I'm mean let's be honest, we all know a little mystery is sexy, but I am saying I want to learn to put my heart on the line. I want to be able to enter into a relationship with a man fully, even though I am afraid he will end up hurting me, which he probably will - since, after all - he is human. I want to be able to distinguish between the hurt that should make you turn around and walk through the door with no return, and the one that shows a kind of beautiful, human love.
Yes I'm scared, but no, I will not let that fear stop me from doing what I want to do. It's time to stop playing it safe. It's time to take action no matter how scared I am. I want to take my "I'm going for this attitude," I use with school and work and use it in my personal life.
To me, taking risks is fearless, being scared but doing something anyway is fearless, attempting things outside my comfort zone is fearless, and what I hope is that the farther I progress in college, the more fearless decisions I will make, and with that the greatness I aspire to have will come. And yes, I got all this from a movie I have watched religiously since it appeared in theaters ages ago.
I will continue to watch the movie, and I hope to continue to gain a kind of fearless inspiration from it. After all, it's gotten me this far.
Always and forever I'll be fearlessly yours.
-Emily
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